I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
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