I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
