Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
