so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Randomize
