If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
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