After last night's events, I googled "how to change your life direction." I found a really helpful ehow.com article.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
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