I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
Randomize
