I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
