I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
I think pants incapable of making pants work
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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