I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
My bed smells like the plague
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
