life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
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