Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
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