This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize
