So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
