david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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