That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
