better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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