Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
