She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Randomize
