You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
Randomize
