Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
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