3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
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