I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Randomize
