Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
Randomize
