Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
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