The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Randomize