I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Randomize