And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
Does getting a boner while watching the celtic women sing opera on ETV make me cultured?
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Randomize
