You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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