i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize
