I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize
