Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
I'm sorry you missed class, the topic today is copy and paste. I'm not even kidding.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
I think pants incapable of making pants work
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
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