Sorry, I don't speak sober.
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
you need to leave class get on facebook and start untagging IMMEDIATELY
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
Randomize
