so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Randomize
