Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
