so explain again why im purple
no
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
Randomize
