Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
