I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
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