I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
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