I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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