They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Randomize
