Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
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