Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Randomize
