i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
