I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
