The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
foreskin is a definite game changer
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
Randomize
