How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
