the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
two words: eviction party
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Randomize
