Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
Randomize
