I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize
