Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
How'd it feel making her break her religion?
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
I have so many feelings about this burrito
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
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