she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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