i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
