i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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