Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
sex in a hospital.. check
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Randomize
