dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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