I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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