all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Randomize
