and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
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